Out of Spiritual Darkness, Into the Light. Sorry about my lack of finishing this up. I took “off” for Thanksgiving. No guilt
 Spiritual Darkness So in regards to “my giving up” – my exit plan. Exiting or “excusing myself” from this life.
My mother talked about suicide at various times. And before I go on about this it is NOT to condemn her or judge her AT ALL. I get “pain you don’t know what to do with.” I get not knowing how to conquer it, I understand unresolved grief issues and/or depression and I get if that’s all you know as a solution or all you can think of, then I get that. NOT condoning it or agreeing, I just get it and accept it.
I am extremely sad to hear when someone has successfully done this BUT…I get it. Suicide is NOT “always” about mental illness but desperation to stop pain, unbearable pain or shame. Not knowing how to “get out” of _____. More on this subject “soon.” I know 2 people who recently reached out to me over severe “pain” – They said they are contemplating suicide. Again, more on this SOON, esp. since they came to me about it.
Out of Spiritual Darkness, Into the Light
Anyway, to me it was “just a choice if you got fed up or tired” I heard it my entire life – as far as I knew everyone heard their mom say “I’m going to kill myself.” I use to walk in the house after school in the 3rd grade, make my sister stand outside … while I checked to make sure my mom wasn’t dead. I didn’t want her involved with seeing that just in case she was. Obviously NOT “everyday” just when she’d say something about it before I left for school. I wasn’t sure when SHE “was full.”
However, this “lesson” (saying things to kids you shouldn’t) kept me from sharing emotional hurt with my kids, talking bad about their dad, making threats (manipulation) and with others so if that’s what I got out of it…I’m grateful for that classroom.
I just got too tired to carry on and finally at 21 I attempted suicide. I collected up lots of pain pills and called the hospital to report “a friend” had just taken them.
So I tried and failed in 1983, but that’s another story. That’s when I officially met The Lord. Six months later “violence” struck (1st rape) and within 6 months after that Marriage #1 happened. 9 months after that news of “Baby #1” would be here in 9 months.
Deception Deception….what a stink’in dark thing it is. BUT – I’m grateful. I’m grateful I see it from far off now in it’s various shapes and forms.
Out of Spiritual Darkness, Into the Light
It seemed to follow me around like a shadow. Like a lost puppy.
But I think (& The Word states) when you open your home and those in it to darkness you are opening those people up TO DECEPTION and “it” doesn’t leave willingly. No way…”it” has a home.
I’m extremely grateful for lessons I’ve learned, the classrooms I’ve been in and it is my hope that if 1 person hears the truth and The Truth sets them free, then it was all worth it to share.
I have always been happy to share 1 on 1 when it was appropriate or asked direct questions. After lots of prayer and lots of confirmation and another well-known author mentoring me (who told me to openly & candidly blog about my history as “homework”) I am sharing to make this info public and to help others who live in “the dark” – who live in shame, to help someone heal and move past The Past into The Future.
In HIS Love,
Rebekah Lea Phelps
Don’t give up!
 Rebekah as a Southern Bell, after High School. 1981 In regards to Heaven and Hell existing (where I left off yesterday) ~
We will go to one place or the other. The Word is crystal clear about that. If you illuminate Christ you void the integrity of The Word.
Demons know our track record, they APPEAR as “angels of light” – they appear as “grand-dad” (or whomever) and know exactly how they looked. They know what “gramma’s” habits were and get people on this quest for searching out things that lead to a very dark destructive path. Then people start wanting to speak to their loved ones. What “they” say is accurate, how they look is accurate (that’s the reason people start going down this trail), I’m not denying that or their existence. What I’m saying is the SOURCE is demonic. The Word is clear about that also. Satan is a copycat; he doesn’t originate and can’t create anything…accept chaos, havoc, lies, slander, confusion — get the picture? He’s the source of that.
“Contacting the dead” by the way is FORBIDDEN in scripture.
Why is it forbidden?
Because GOD knows the reality of it also. Consider it “the tree of good and evil” – bad fruit. The tree of knowledge…that leads to death. Eternal death!
The first time I ever saw anyone truly “possessed” wasn’t as a Christian it was in Fort Worth Texas “Mr. W.” – it got so bad my little sister and I were no longer aloud to spend the night over there or go to their home without my parents.
Now you’d think THAT would have made them wash their hands of “all this stuff” and take me to church, nope…. Trapped, hooked. Like butterfly’s in a web, like a fish on a hook.
I remember saying to my little sister; Come on … we shouldn’t look at this stuff. She wrote me the nicest note a few years back about how safe she felt safe with me or when I was around as kids.
She was always scared to death and I always felt like I stood in the face of darkness for us both – in the truth I knew or all I had at the time.
God’s grace. Gripped by Grace. Literally. Preserved like a jar of jam.
I remember hearing the artist testimony (Akiana) for the first time and sobbing (she was 8 years old when I first learned about her). I was so glad for her. Her atheist parents became Christian due to her “witness” as a child. You might know the scripture … “and a little child shall lead them.”
Wow, all the years she spent being productive, walking in WHO she was called to be, developing the gifts God gave her and being able to acknowledge HIM for them. I am so glad for her. So relieved to know how this “could’ve gone.”
…and yes, I’ve wondered WHY my path was so dark, so difficult internally for me, such a struggle, so much deception. So much hostility I witnessed that “the darkness” has for “the light” – BUT I stopped asking WHY a long long time ago (like over 35+ years ago) and began looking forward to HOW God was going to use this. WHAT was HE going to do with all this compost!
It’s real, it’s very real….
More real than this world is. Because it’s eternal. It was before we were. It will be after we aren’t.
Please think about YOUR choice. We serve a God who gives us choices, he’s not a puppeteer!
… reconsider.
I’ll write more later…
But I eventually “gave up” asking questions or seeking. The zeal I had a child diminished, faded…you could say, I gave up. Frankly I felt worn out and beyond frustrated by the time I graduated high school.
By the way, when I get asked “my sign” — my answer is The Cross. When someone laughs or looks puzzled I say; My birthday is September 10th. Yes, I was born under the Virgo sun sign BUT I look to the one who created the stars not the stars themselves or I look to the creator NOT the creation. Yes the wise men were astrologers and the reason they were wise is because they too looked for the prophesied star and went to FIND HIM when it came. They too were looking to the creator NOT the creation for answers.
More about “my attempted exit” tomorrow,
Rebekah
 Yep, that was me. I didn’t know what to do with seeing “Ghost” and describing people I’d never seen before (Grand-father) or what to make of the angel that sat at the end of my bed “sometimes.” And my mom and dad kept pursuing astrology, tarot cards, reincarnation, traveling/channeling, without understand the broad consequences. This lead to physics, consulting the dead, mediums, séances…. And “ugh” the people that came over! I hated all this with a passion.
I felt STUCK….
Stuck in a world that was going to hell in a hand-basket.
Stuck in a family that wouldn’t listen.
Stuck with answers I wasn’t satisfied with.
….just stuck, because after all, I was just a kid.
Stuck with mocking and on one hand asking me for advice (as a kid) and wisdom and on the other hand telling me I didn’t know what I was talking about.
Being told to “trust your gut” UNLESS it doesn’t line up with what we think. Is NOT a good message.
By the time I went to high school I wasn’t at all as passionate shall we say about “figuring all this out” and didn’t have the drive I did at 3-8 BUT I still wanted to go to a private Christian high school. I begged .. I tried let’s make a deal… I will forfeit college. Which I ended up doing anyway, but the answer was, No.
 This is the only cover I have left. Love the topics. And this was a teen magazine?#$ Things haven’t changed, have they?! I started modeling when I was 13 – seems I’ve really come full circle because I always wanted to “Model Jesus” but since I didn’t know quite how to go about that … well, I guess I’ll just model me. “BLAH-hum-bug.” I have an article from the Houston Chronicle and one of their questions was; Who do you most want to be like? At that time Christy Brinkley was very popular but unlike a lot of people I’ve never been “star struck” or been “a fan” of anyone. I’ve never wanted to be like “so-&-so” — so my answer was; “Even though I don’t quite know HOW TO…I’d like to be like Jesus”
He’s my role model. Meaning his care, love for others, making a difference. I’d like to be a peaceful manifestation of HIS LOVE and a loving manifestation of HIS PEACE.
A LOT happened at 13ish. It’d take me forever to jot that down but it seems it was a cross road (no pun intended). A battle would be a good word, but you know what…. come to find out there is PLENTY of scripture about that also. Meaning “Youth” – devouring the “Tekon” (which means teen) as they “come forth.”
 First year of high school I believe. Front, right. Love the “wings” Honestly, I was just “dog tired” by the time I was 13.
Tired of questions without suitable answers that bore witness to my heart.
Tired of literally seeing darkness. Tired of “feeling it” everywhere.
I was once held down in bed, wide awake. My parents had just gone to bed. I remember seeing people in black long robes. No faces. It was dark, they were dark and I was trying to get up and couldn’t. Finally, I did and when I did I put my hand on the doorknob, I felt a hand grab my shoulder and dig into my collar bone.
I slung open my bedroom door and felt a stinging scratch down my back.
It hurt … BAD.
I ran to my parent’s room told them what happen and kept trying to itch my back and my dad said; well let me see your back.
He turned on a light..
I lifted my shirt and to our surprise … bleeding scratch marks were down my back.
Weird? Wayyyyyy beyond weird. Freaky, scary … demonic!
About 20 years later, in the same room the same thing happened to my nephew who lived in that house … but he didn’t tell anyone for 10+ years after it happen. HE had no idea that happened to me and I had no idea it happened to him.
Now…you wonder why I’m adamant about Christ?
Cause I know…
Heaven and Hell exist.
On that note…talk to you tomorrow,
Say your prayers …. just start talking to HIM!
Rebekah Lea Phelps
FYI: I don’t have hardly any “tear sheets” of work done over 7 years because X #2 decided to trash my entire portfolio. To bad, I wanted that for my kids someday. I discovered that happen upon them wanting it for “show and tell” — Forgiven, it’s only paper. People do dumb things and “hurt people hurt people.”
 By the time I was 4 or 5 I remember people coming over, I always loved to sit and listen to “adults talk” and I remember a few leaving and saying; You know they are liars…right? Or “they are bad people, stay away from them.”
I also remember the SHOCK on my mother’s face and her saying “Becca, they are very nice people! Why would you say such a thing?”
Oops, lesson #1. Don’t expect to be believed when you see something others don’t.
Sure ‘nough “something” would turn up “soon” to prove that right and they were kind enough to come back to me and say; You were right!
But when you’re told you’re right, then wrong, then right again…that’s like a mixed up bowl of … um, porridge.
Well, since I was “quoting” a LOT of scripture and “forewarning people” about “things” (between 4-8), my parents got very curious where “this” came from. They went on a hunt.
They invited ministers & others over (I have no idea how many or who) to watch me get put to bed. To observe my actions, listen to me pray and “chat” with me.
“They” — whomever “they were” decided the answer was simple. I was reincarnated and was a nun in a former life. I “simply died quickly” and since I was “reborn quickly” brought all that stuff into this life.
Being the “smarty pants” I am…my response was NO…. that’s AN ANSWER not THE ANSWER. That may be A WAY, but it’s not THE WAY. That’s not the right answer…keep looking! I need to know why I’m here!
I said; NO, you live once then you die! Low and behold I learned MUCH later there IS a scripture that says so. Hebrews 9:27
I insisted I was NOT a Nun. I was with God before I came “here” to earth…which is by the way an evil place compared to Heaven. I WAS NOT happy about “being here.” Especially since no one could provide answers I desperately wanted. There is loads of scripture about God knowing us BEFORE we were born and us being WITH him. Course as a kid I didn’t know that then from being taught or reading.
So like most 6 year olds I asked for a Bible for my 7th birthday (I vividly remember saying that is ALL I wanted) – and here it is! Bummer it was a King James Version but I was thrilled and glad it had a few pictures!
 My 7 Yr Old Birthday Gift Believe it or not my parents didn’t get involved in Christianity, but naively in the occult. Like most people they were curious, searching and tried to find answers the best they could. Like a lot of people they looked (or accepted) in the places they thought we’re answers and accept it as “their truth.”
They just couldn’t let go of the reincarnation idea and I seemed to be “walking proof” based on answers they got from others. I totally get that.
I felt horrible for that conclusion for years. That was a heavy burden I had no idea WHAT to do with or do about. Mad at one point and became extremely grateful for later. I’ve seen a lot 90%+ of the population will never see. I didn’t have to weed through “religious traditions” or practices and frankly had/have a HUGE advantage when it comes to prayer knowing what I know. Seeing what I saw.
What the “devil” meant for my harm, God used for his Glory and my growth.
Anyway, so I “saw planes crashes” before they happen and various other things. Specifically, I recall seeing a plane “EASTERN AIRLINES” and knowing hundreds of people were on board. Now I know I felt anxiety and “oh my God it’s going to crash” – what drove me crazy about those things was not knowing WHY I saw it or WHAT to do about it.
Now I know…. PRAY, Pray and Pray some more…as HE leads. 
See you tomorrow!
Rebekah Lea Phelps
 Becca in the Bathtub. I can’t find one of me as a baby at the moment, but picture a spider monkey with hair sticking straight up….Got the Picture?! I learned a long time ago that I can share my testimony with anyone but my heart with very few.
So before I go to Marriage #2 and into my kids I thought I’d step backwards and let you know where I came from, or really what I came out of. Since this is soooooo long, I’m going to break it down into 1-2 page segments!
The basics are I was raised in Texas, went to Spring High School and graduated with an awesome class of treasured friends in 1981. I had a sister 7 years older than me that I have very few memories of (but MANY MANY of other things, people and places) and the other is 2 years younger. I can still remember walking to ballet class in Morgantown WV when I was 3, hiding behind a door to surprise my dear grandmother who I called Nana, learning to tie my shoes, fetching the cat that my younger sister tossed over the balcony and playing cowboys and Indians with the boy across the street. That was all before we moved to Bedford Texas – where I began preschool.
Funny, after I moved to VA (13.5 years ago) I kept wanting to go to Morgantown to see that old house. Finally, I did just 3-4 years ago. Found the house, remembered it and that boy across the street but of course everything looked MUCH different after 47-50+ years later. There was a man outside watering and I just “had one of those feelings” — like maybe, just maybe he knew “The Clendening’s” – I said; Hey! You wouldn’t have by chance have lived her for oh the last 50 years would have you? I was stunned when he said YES!
I said; Paul? I’m Becca! Becca Clendening! We use to play cowboys and Indians together? Funny, his name “just came to me.” George and I enjoyed chatting with him and catching up for some time.
Anyway, as from having a fond memory of those few things; I also remember vividly ALWAYS being “curious about the Lord” and as noted in my book “I’m an Eagle not a Field Chick” being obsessed with “who am I, why am I here and what is it or who is it I’m created to be.” My parents didn’t end up telling me to “just go peck” and stop worrying about it but “just go play and by the way, relax. There is plenty of time to figure that out!”
Per my parents my mother’s water broke 1 month before delivery and I was a 10-month baby. Apparently it’s rare, but does happen. They actually sent me home to die.
Fat Chance! I was here to stay.
So per my family I started climbing down out of my highchair before I could talk to kneel, bow my head, put my hands together and obviously talk to God … silently.
After I did begin to speak; the questions rolled in. WHY was I hear and so on. I was never taken to church but began praying the entire prayer “Our father who art in Heaven….” – I said things all kids say by the time they are 3 like; HEY! Did you know the devil walks around the earth seeking who he can devour?!
Yeah, right.
My kids did NOT say that kind of stuff and I don’t know anyone else that says their kids did.
I’m sure my parents looked like “WHAT?#$%”
Yeah; that’s right. Angels are on earth but so are demons.
Sure kid! Whatever.
“My family” said; whenever I saw fit to drop to my knees and pray…I did. Walking down the mall, at a restaurant, in someone’s home, etc. (If I saw a “little tike” do that … I’d burst into tears.)
That’s normal right?
NOT
See you tomorrow!
Rebekah Lea Phelps aka: Becca
 Tear Soup Oh my gosh, my head feels like it’s going to blow up! I can’t believe I signed up for 30 blogs in 30 days. Like I have time for that?! When I started blogging years ago someone told me just do 1 a week. That felt like a lot considering all the other things I was doing. Okay, here goes. Sorry, I’m just venting.
This is going to be short and sweet.
My husband George and I were talking about the scripture; God holding your tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8) and George said; yours would be more like a bathtub. We both laughed.
Yeah, a bathtub for sure due to my own sorrow and choices but maybe a bowl about the things that lined up with HIS heart. Maybe it’s just tear soup!
Think about it.
How much do we really grieve over our own “stuff” because we wish we wouldn’t have done ….
We hadn’t said….
We didn’t do….
He broke my heart but I kept putting up with non-sense so what else would you expect?
I think those are the bathtub tears.
When you have children out of wedlock and you’re going through a tuff time as a single mom. Financially and otherwise but….(ouch) our choices.
When we have to take a job out of desperation and the job picks us versus US picking our jobs.
When our bank accounts don’t balance with our desires. Have you heard the saying; You have champagne taste on a beer budget?
Yep, that’s where those bathtub tears come from.
But what about those tears in the bottle?
Ever think about that?
I sorta think that they are “special tears”
Tears of intercession
Tears that line up with HIS heart
Tears that make HIM weep also and your heart is lining up with that so the result is “sweet innocent pure tears” that HE holds in a bottle.
Thoughts that line up with his thoughts so your heart cries tears.
Think about it or just ponder…
Where are those tears coming from?
How can you change that (if necessary) and move forward?
Just a thought…
Yours?
Rebekah Lea Phelps
 This is what we look like doing something we were never made to do So honestly, I’m looking forward to blogging about as much as I’m looking forward to chewing a box of nails. BUT … I’ve been advised to over and over and recently came across Bradley Will’s 30-day Blog Challenge on his “Learn to Blog” site. So as my mother would say “Katy Bar the Door!” I reckon I’ll jump in. If nothing else, it will make me stay on course and “jump start” my blog(s).
I began blogging on my business website (Extra You, LLC) but dropped the ball after moving and when my mother in law came to live with us. I’m not so sure how plugged into “both” I’ll be but I’m going to give it a shot. Since I just did MY LAST “organization” job in Maryland and I sent them loads of “tips” to apply after I left (upon their request) I will most likely be posting a few of those I gave them. It’s kind-of “cheating” since I’ve already written them, but it is a blog…right?
Anyway, you may be wondering WHAT I intend on blogging about and WHY I’m sharing my past.
Why I’m sharing first.
- Because I believe if people can take leftover banana peels, grass clippings and coffee grounds and turn it into compost…wonderful fertilizer to encourage growth in plants then GOD can use the “junk of our past” to fertilize our future. IF we submit to HIM and allow that to happen.
- Because I think “all this” was just one big waste UNLESS someone can gain a piece of wisdom (aka: hindsight), learn a lesson, be encouraged, not give up or heal from something similar they went through.
We as believers are CALLED (instructed) to share, encourage, be transparent, warn, exhort and comfort each other.
- Because let it never be said; “this” wasn’t public knowledge and I hid anything from someone. I believe LOVE covers, but it doesn’t cover up and if WE try to “cover up” our junk then WE are being our own defense. We are attempting to justify ourselves and WE will live in shame vs. freedom.
- Because I’m healed, free from the past, forgiven and I have forgiven ALL, I have clarity on so much of it now and I know that I know…it’s time to do so publicly.
Most people that know me personally know I will share anything you want to know…about ME, just ask.
WHAT I intended on blogging about on my author blog…okay, what comes to mind:
- MY past and some of the gory details of my poor judgement
- Being forgiven, forgiving yourself and forgiving others
- Relationship with the Lord vs. Religion
- Intimacy with God
- Dialogue with God
- Identity issues
- Who were YOU created to be?
- What happens when your “identity” goes away? IE: Wife, mother, etc.
- Facing Fear
- Where does courage come from?
- People pleasing
- Discovering your gift & talents.
- The Holy Spirit
- Grief (I’ve had tons of this and humble pie)
- Missing Children
- Unresolved grief issues. Vs. depression
- Self-Worth
- Loss of Children without death
- Enabling / Co Dependent issues (I’m not either)
- Feelings vs. “The Story” – I’m computer style
- Being raped…
- Where is God when life hurts?
- Being married – 3 times prior to George.
- “The Church”
- Women – The call and commitment to Christ
- Our emotional jugs that fill up with hurt, etc.
- Communication Issues
- Who’s your family?
- Training your soul
- Listening to God
- Following HIM will cost you something
- God hating divorce NOT the divorcee (That is not to say I promote or am for divorce – regardless of what it looks like — hear me loud and clearl, I’M NOT FOR DIVORCE)
- Spiritual Abuse
- Being Battered without Bruises (emotional abuse)
- “Wives Submit”
- Choices and Consequences
- Learning or Rejecting Parenting
- Basic “life skills”
Obviously this is from MY life experience and MY lessons. It’s MY take and I look forward to your comments, thoughts and questions!
 mother feeding her baby If you could pay someone for their “hind sight” would you do it? I mean would you follow their advice or just buy it? You know I think all of us have bought things we intended to use. Whether it’s a webinar, an educational class, a craft we thought we’d get into or a report online then … it sits and we don’t use it, we don’t apply it and in some cases we haven’t even read it. So IF you paid for hind sight what would it be? What topic? What year? What situation?
Mine, hands down would be: Getting married the first time and having children. I value the lessons learned and they have helped mold me and make me who I am BUT….
I’d have paid for hindsight. I’d have paid to see how those two significant life events turned out. I would rather have paid for an unused wedding dress and invitations sent vs. do something I know I shouldn’t have done.
Now you’re probably thinking, but at least you had your children.
No, I never really had my children.
Control did.
Fear did.
Abuse did.
Brainwashing did.
My Ex did and he used them to get to me. That was his promise and it was one of the only promises of “I do” he lived up to.
I treasure the short time I did have them, but my son was taken out of the state directly after he turned 4 years old.
What “I wish” I’d done was sign the agreement that stated “I wouldn’t leave the state until SHE was 18 years old” but because I was sick to death of deceit and control I didn’t. To me that was another form of control and I was totally done with being controlled and manipulated. By “him” and his family. Six (6) months after the divorce was finally done, he did what he ask ME not to do…. leave the state, and he took my son with him. He said; I knew if I took the baby bear the momma bear would follow.
…if only
You’ve said it, we’ve all said it.
I wish I’d locked the door, I wish I hadn’t gone on that interview, I wish I hadn’t gotten on the elevator alone, I wish I hadn’t…fill in the blank.
And all that gives us “hind-sight” and lessons learned.
It’s not what happens to you but how you handle it that really matters. It’s how you react and who you turn to that gets you through it and makes you who you are. Character is built in dark times. Someday you’ll look back and laugh at this.
ALL that may be true and more but when you’re bleeding, when you’ve been run over by an emotional mack-truck that isn’t what you’re thinking is it?
When you’ve been side swiped by deception, ripped open by rape, lied to or betrayed by a lover/spouse or a baby has been used as a pawn…you’re not thinking “this will make me who I will be!” You’re not thinking I’ll laugh at this someday. As a matter a fact none of this kind of stuff is ever “funny.”
It’s taken me a few decades to throw up my hands in the midst of great turmoil and say “Thank you God for entrusting me with this trail and tribulation! Whew who! I can’t wait to see what YOU do with this!”
It took gritting my teeth not saying anything (when I had loads of ideas and things to say) but “thank you God, I know you’ll be with me” or “please don’t let me go Lord, I can’t walk this without you!”
I remember well burning, salty tears streaming down my face and singing “It is well with my soul” when I wanted to vomit. When anxiety racked over me like I was am autumn leaf.
Life is hard and I can’t image walking through it without the Lord. I’d have given up a long time ago. As a matter a fact that IS how I came to know HIM. I gave up and grace came and brought me back, literally.
However, life is hard because we make bad decisions sometimes and have to reap the consequences of those decisions.
…if only,
We did it “HIS way”
Wow, I could have spared myself tons of heartache.
I knew the first time I married, I shouldn’t.
I told him 7 days before we got married; Hold on, I don’t think I should be doing this. I KNEW I shouldn’t.
But I caved. Because of someone else’s feelings, opinions, emotions, reasoning….
Lesson: Never ever line yourself up with someone else’s convictions, desires or reasoning that is contrary to yours and God’s!
What YOU think matters. What YOU want matters and GOD speaks through our conscience. HIS voice is that still small whisper that says “Don’t do it” – don’t open the door, don’t go upstairs to “that modeling interview” — don’t get married.
I caved because I was raped at gunpoint by a photographer.
And I caved because of MY fear and insecurity at the time.
Rape does something to a person’s head. It’s the biggest “mind trip” ever and you can’t take a shower long enough or to many times thereafter. You wonder what YOU did and begin to equate your value as “less than.” You feel dirty, unworthy, etc.
I was terrified after that happened. I’ve never been so scared in all my life.
You think you know what you’d do if something like that happens but you don’t. Survival kicks in. Just like some of the people in Paris that laid down pretending to be dead, being quiet, trying not to cry. When I heard people say that I could totally relate to those feelings. That’s what I did.
I was quiet.
I wondered if my body would end up in “the box” in the room.
I evaluated how I could escape and couldn’t see a way out.
I called my agent before the interview and said; I have a bad feeling about this. I have no idea WHY; I just think….
She interrupted and said; Are you crazy?! Really are you just insane?! This is a chance in a lifetime interview!
Well, 6 months later I married someone I didn’t love. I married out of fear & Insecurity and 9 months after that on my way out the door to leave the marriage I found out I was pregnant.
Fear set in again and rose all the way up pass my heart to my brain. Like a rope it pulled me back in the door.
Lesson learned. What happens to me doesn’t create my value. It doesn’t taint me because of what someone else did to me and most importantly, never ever marry OR STAY out of fear and insecurity – but this lesson wasn’t learned way back then – it was learned much later after making the same mistake again…and again.
So I intend on writing about what made ME, ME…for the first part of this blog,
Rebekah Lea Phelps
Hello Big Beautiful World of Wonder!
 Time to Have CoffeeIf we just met and had lunch together what would we talk about? Well, Let’s get together soon and have coffee! We’d exchange pleasantries, go through the services I provide in Extra You, White House Home Inventory may (or may not) get mentioned and I’d probably share stories about how we help people and you’d see my face light up. At least that’s what people always tell me. You’d do the same and then you might ask me (and I’d ask you) about marriage and kids, pet and hobbies, where I live, how long I’ve lived in VA or WV… and we’d either be off to a new start of a friendship or I’d never see you again.
I’d brag about my husband, George …saying he’s the best thing that ever happen to me as an adult (or in a mate) he’s a God send and if anything ever happened to me IF your single, bring your best casserole over to my house soon after I’m 6’ under (not before) … because he’s the best catch ever, and that’s not an exaggerated fish tale! I said that to a friend once and I can still hear her voice and see her face saying; “Oh my god! I don’t have a casserole recipe … I better get one!” I often wonder if I should get a deep freezer so George has a place to put all the food that will come in!
My kids, well if you know me you know I’m transparent and if you ask me a question you might be sorry you did UNLESS you really wanted to hear the real, raw deal. If you don’t want the truth on a matter – don’t ask.
Husband’s have really stunk and weren’t “husbands” at all in the Biblical sense and “kids” have been a huge heart break my entire life, and “life” has been hard for them as well with loads of heart-break and rocky paths – most of which they chose because now they are well into adulthood (30 & 32 in 2015) and still picking rocky W I D E paths. Childhood is a MUCH shorter journey than our adult years, but the habits we pick then becomes the character we have later. It’s the FRUIT of our choices and bad choices others made for us … or taught us. Directly or indirectly. However, as I’ve told them…someone may be a part of the problem in your past BUT only YOU can fix your own issues in the present and move forward to the future. YOU are responsible for YOUR life and YOUR choices from here on out. So what will it be?
Best thing I ever did for myself was go through Russell Friedman’s Grief Recovery Method in 2008. I’m convinced MOST people’s issues aren’t about “depression” but unresolved GRIEF — over loss. Grief isn’t just about death, it’s about loss. Any loss dear to us. Pet or people, loss is loss. It’s about your “wishes, hopes and dreams” for a person that will never “match” that dream, that will never be all they could have been and it’s about unexpected trauma showing up on the scene and stealing that person (relationship) away. That would also be a fitting description for me as a mother. It’s emotional death, separation and you pray and pray for resurrection and restoration and then you begin to just pray “your will be done on earth at it is in heaven…” and leave it at the cross.
I’ll never forget when I was 17 being in the hospital having my right tube and ovary out (due to very large tumor on my right tube blocked at both ends with a humongous cyst on my ovary) and my first boyfriend coming to the hospital (and my civics teacher – Claire C.) and me sobbing saying “They said I’d never have children!”
Well, oddly they were kind of right. I never had them for long.
I remember saying to the Doctor; “That’s not true! I’m going to have a boy and a girl, in that order, 2 years apart!” “Faith” amazing.
They were due on the same day – 2 years apart but she ended up being 6 weeks early and he was 7 days late.
Well, I’ll tell you more about “husbands” and “kids” later — didn’t intend on going there on our first cup of coffee, or lunch together BUT …
Since you ask.
Let’s get together soon and have coffee,
Becca Clendening
aka: Rebekah Lea Phelps
|
Check It Out!
Audio Book Available
Audio Book (978-1-947747-02-9)
Print Book Available
Print Book (978-1-947747-00-5)
Page Count of Book
(includes workbook):
221
E-Book Available
(978-1-947747-01-2)
Check out Rebekah on Bublish
|
Recent Comments