Lessons Learned about Marriage #1

mother feeding her baby

mother feeding her baby

If you could pay someone for their “hind sight” would you do it? I mean would you follow their advice or just buy it? You know I think all of us have bought things we intended to use. Whether it’s a webinar, an educational class, a craft we thought we’d get into or a report online then … it sits and we don’t use it, we don’t apply it and in some cases we haven’t even read it. So IF you paid for hind sight what would it be? What topic? What year? What situation?

Mine, hands down would be: Getting married the first time and having children. I value the lessons learned and they have helped mold me and make me who I am BUT….

I’d have paid for hindsight. I’d have paid to see how those two significant life events turned out. I would rather have paid for an unused wedding dress and invitations sent vs. do something I know I shouldn’t have done.

Now you’re probably thinking, but at least you had your children.

No, I never really had my children.

Control did.

Fear did.

Abuse did.

Brainwashing did.

My Ex did and he used them to get to me. That was his promise and it was one of the only promises of “I do” he lived up to.

I treasure the short time I did have them, but my son was taken out of the state directly after he turned 4 years old.

What “I wish” I’d done was sign the agreement that stated “I wouldn’t leave the state until SHE was 18 years old” but because I was sick to death of deceit and control I didn’t. To me that was another form of control and I was totally done with being controlled and manipulated. By “him” and his family. Six (6) months after the divorce was finally done, he did what he ask ME not to do…. leave the state, and he took my son with him. He said; I knew if I took the baby bear the momma bear would follow.

…if only

You’ve said it, we’ve all said it.

I wish I’d locked the door, I wish I hadn’t gone on that interview, I wish I hadn’t gotten on the elevator alone, I wish I hadn’t…fill in the blank.

And all that gives us “hind-sight” and lessons learned.

It’s not what happens to you but how you handle it that really matters. It’s how you react and who you turn to that gets you through it and makes you who you are. Character is built in dark times. Someday you’ll look back and laugh at this.

ALL that may be true and more but when you’re bleeding, when you’ve been run over by an emotional mack-truck that isn’t what you’re thinking is it?

When you’ve been side swiped by deception, ripped open by rape, lied to or betrayed by a lover/spouse or a baby has been used as a pawn…you’re not thinking “this will make me who I will be!” You’re not thinking I’ll laugh at this someday. As a matter a fact none of this kind of stuff is ever “funny.”

It’s taken me a few decades to throw up my hands in the midst of great turmoil and say “Thank you God for entrusting me with this trail and tribulation! Whew who! I can’t wait to see what YOU do with this!”

It took gritting my teeth not saying anything (when I had loads of ideas and things to say) but “thank you God, I know you’ll be with me” or “please don’t let me go Lord, I can’t walk this without you!”

I remember well burning, salty tears streaming down my face and singing “It is well with my soul” when I wanted to vomit. When anxiety racked over me like I was am autumn leaf.

Life is hard and I can’t image walking through it without the Lord. I’d have given up a long time ago. As a matter a fact that IS how I came to know HIM. I gave up and grace came and brought me back, literally.

However, life is hard because we make bad decisions sometimes and have to reap the consequences of those decisions.

…if only,

We did it “HIS way”

Wow, I could have spared myself tons of heartache.

I knew the first time I married, I shouldn’t.

I told him 7 days before we got married; Hold on, I don’t think I should be doing this. I KNEW I shouldn’t.

But I caved. Because of someone else’s feelings, opinions, emotions, reasoning….

Lesson: Never ever line yourself up with someone else’s convictions, desires or reasoning that is contrary to yours and God’s!

What YOU think matters. What YOU want matters and GOD speaks through our conscience. HIS voice is that still small whisper that says “Don’t do it” – don’t open the door, don’t go upstairs to “that modeling interview” — don’t get married.

I caved because I was raped at gunpoint by a photographer.

And I caved because of MY fear and insecurity at the time.

Rape does something to a person’s head. It’s the biggest “mind trip” ever and you can’t take a shower long enough or to many times thereafter. You wonder what YOU did and begin to equate your value as “less than.” You feel dirty, unworthy, etc.

I was terrified after that happened. I’ve never been so scared in all my life.

You think you know what you’d do if something like that happens but you don’t. Survival kicks in. Just like some of the people in Paris that laid down pretending to be dead, being quiet, trying not to cry. When I heard people say that I could totally relate to those feelings. That’s what I did.

I was quiet.

I wondered if my body would end up in “the box” in the room.

I evaluated how I could escape and couldn’t see a way out.

I called my agent before the interview and said; I have a bad feeling about this. I have no idea WHY; I just think….

She interrupted and said; Are you crazy?! Really are you just insane?! This is a chance in a lifetime interview!

Well, 6 months later I married someone I didn’t love. I married out of fear & Insecurity and 9 months after that on my way out the door to leave the marriage I found out I was pregnant.

Fear set in again and rose all the way up pass my heart to my brain. Like a rope it pulled me back in the door.

Lesson learned. What happens to me doesn’t create my value. It doesn’t taint me because of what someone else did to me and most importantly, never ever marry OR STAY out of fear and insecurity – but this lesson wasn’t learned way back then – it was learned much later after making the same mistake again…and again.

So I intend on writing about what made ME, ME…for the first part of this blog,

Rebekah Lea Phelps

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